Satire by John W. Lillpop

        On the heels of the "right-wing extremist" controversy coming from the Department of Homeland Security, a counter force is looking to identify and deal with left-wing extremists.

        According to prudent sources, You Are a left-wing Extremist If You Believe that--

* The U.S. Constitution is unconstitutional because women, racial, sexual preference, and religious minorities were all under represented in 1776

* Nancy Pelosi understands the Catholic Church's teachings on abortion better than all popes, past and present

* Vast sections of America are still owned by Mexico, despite the Treaty of Guadeloupe, which was approved by both nations in 1848

* Silencing conservative talk radio is vital to America's national defense

* Sandy Berger was a greater patriot and more honorable than Dick Cheney

* Barney Frank would be a terrific Secretary of Defense

* Freedom of choice is inalienable, except when it comes to heath care, saving for retirement, and other decisions best left to government

* Hillary Clinton is a better role model than Mother Teresa

* The right of government trumps all individual rights, notwithstanding the Constitution and the Bill of Rights

* Illegal aliens must be counted in the 2010 Census in order to assure that sufficient Democrat ballots are ordered for the November elections

* That white spot on Monica's blue dress was actually secretarial "white out" planted by Linda Tripp to embarrass Bill Clinton

* Reparations should be paid to African Americans who can prove they voted for Obama

* Birth certificates must be produced to purchase a gun, but are completely unnecessary in order to prove eligibility for the presidency

* "Minutemen" refers to the sexual staying power of border patrol agents

* Speaking English within ear shot of Hispanics obviously here illegally is a serious hate crime

* Straight, white, employed Christian males should notify the local police 60 days before moving into a new neighborhood

* Borders are unnecessary when proper diplomatic protocol is followed

* Burning Old Glory is protected free speech, whereas rants by conservatives like Rush Limbaugh are "hate speech"

* A woman’s right to abort the life of an innocent child is inalienable; whereas execution of a convicted killer is cruel, unusual and barbaric

* Starving a helpless victim like Terri Schaivo to death is acceptable, but using lethal injection to end the life of a brutal killer is not

* Publicly wishing a friend or family member "Merry Christmas" is clearly an act of civil disobedience and unconstitutional

* While symbols of Christianity must be hidden, Islam must be openly promoted in the name of religious awareness and tolerance

* Separation of state and government applies only to Christianity and Judaism.

* Leveling the playing field between haves and have-nots is the most important function of government, even more so than national security.

* Tax cuts are wrong when returned to people who actually paid taxes, but perfectly fine when sent to those who paid none

* Paying higher taxes is the "Patriotic" thing to do

* Marriage is no longer necessary to sanctify man-woman relationships; however, it is absolutely essential that same-sex couples be allowed to marry

* Enforcing U.S. borders and immigration laws is wrong because it discriminates against Hispanics

* Those who support English as America's official language are racists, but those who prefer Spanish and other foreign languages over English are OK because of the inherent value of diversity

* Conservatives who seek to preserve American culture are hate mongers, whereas immigrants are encouraged to celebrate their heritage even if it interferes with assimilation into mainstream America

* Skyrocketing energy costs devastate working American families, but protecting Alaskan wild life is a greater priority

* Outsourcing American jobs to foreign nations is driven by immoral corporate greed, but open borders and amnesty are acceptable because most illegal aliens are future Democrats

* Huge profits are obscene, except when enjoyed by Bill and Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Teddy Kennedy, and other liberals

* Military force must never be used, except when needed to obscure a Democrat president’s sexual misconduct in the Oval Office

* Invading a foreign nation is wrong, except when aliens from Mexico invade America